For Sure NOT

I hit up Bar 9 last night for a Go Achilles! Charity event...

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 10:04:00 -0400

I hit up Bar 9 last night for a Go Achilles! Charity event hosted by the guys who run www.thedanzatap.com and www.takeareport.com. I got a chance to meet Large, of take a report fame, and the man behind the curtain for the Danza Tap who goes by the name Admin. All very good people, and we had a blast throwin back beers all nite.

For anyone who doesn’t visit Danza Tap or Take a Report, I highly suggest you do so. Just another way to pass the miserable hours spent rotting at your desk.

For Sure Danza Tap

Took the week off of work so I could fly out to Moscow last nite...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 16:09:42 -0400

Took the week off of work so I could fly out to Moscow last nite for the premiere of Transformers.

I should have gone with the bouqet. The single rose was tacky.

Live and Learn.

FSLaL

Thomas Parkin was in need of immediate cash flow so he started...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:31:40 -0400

Thomas Parkin was in need of immediate cash flow so he started dressing up as his dead mother in order to collect her Social Security benefits, according to Brooklyn DA Charles Hynes, who announced the arrest this morning. The scam worked so well he did it for six years.

Sporting a wig, sunglasses, nail polish and old-fashioned garb, Parkin managed to collect more than $100,000 in Social Security benefits and rent subsidies.

But he didn’t act alone. The makeup-laden schemer crafted a detailed façade, using a cane, fake ID and even inventing a fake nephew, played by alleged accomplice Mhilton Rimolo, to help convince government agencies to shell out the dough.

Cops busted the 49-year-old yesterday and charged him with grand larceny, forgery and conspiracy, perjury and criminal impersonation in connection with the plot. Rimolo was also charged in the ruse.

Here’s where it gets really creepy. Parkin impersonated his deceased mother for so long that he appears to believe he actually assumed her identity.

“I held my mother when she was dying and breathed in her last breath, so I am my mother,” Parkin told cops when he was arrested

Snake it. Until you fucking make it.

Dressing up incognito as your deceased grandmother collecting over 100 grand in SS Checks (No, not Smokeshow Checks, Social Security) is one of the better schemes I’ve ever heard of.

I don’t know about you, Nation, but I know my grandma would give me a big ole’ “FS!” if I scammed the Man to the tune of $100,000 using her likeness.

And you know what the true mark of a genuine snake is? Going down with the F’n ship.

Even once cops caught this dude, he goes the route of “I’m reincarnated as my mother.” Never Surrender. Never.

For Sure Scam Social Security For 6 Years Posing As Your Dead Grandma

FSSSSF6YPAYDG

~ Shout out to P Mac for the link

William Shakespeare himself could not do this clip justice. For...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:06:24 -0400

William Shakespeare himself could not do this clip justice.

For all non-nerds out there, the song is from the video game The Legend of Zelda, The Ocarina of Time

And yes, that one dude is rocking double boxers.

For Sure NOT A Good Enough Caption To Describe This Video

~ Shout out to getmoneygetpaid for the link

Throwback of the Day - Field Day Field Day is just like the Snow...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:03:21 -0400

Throwback of the Day - Field Day

Field Day is just like the Snow Day - Once you reach a certain age, it’s gone forever.

And unlike the Snow Day, Field Day is lost after you hit high school or college. It has an even smaller window of glorious existence.

Now, maybe I’m misremembering, but I’m pretty sure over the course of a 10 to 12 year stretch I was undefeated at Field Day. My team always won. Do you know why? Because I’m a leader of men. That’s why.

You have never seen softer hands in an egg toss. I remember me and the lucky soul who got paired up with me would easily eliminate every other pair, and then just to put on a show for the crowd. We’d back up to like 120 feet and airmail those eggs. Showmanship is half the battle, folks.

And you BETTER BELIEVE if you get paired up with me for the three legged race we are winning. I don’t care if you are mentally, physically or emotionally disabled - If you trip up I am dragging your ass through the mud like Eric from Billy Madison at Billy’s birthday party.

And lets be honest - you’re not going undefeated for a decade straight at Field Day without a little cheating. You think I could actually balance that egg on the spoon naturally while running that fast!? FSN!. I was bascially doing the Shuttle Run while holding and egg on my spoon with my thumb. Players Union never caught me.

But lets call a spade a spade, Field Day came down to one thing and one thing only

Tug-O-War.

My elementary school renamed Tug O War the “Pull for Peace,” because they were very forward thinking and aware of their social responisbilty.

But regardless of the name, my team won all Field Day err Field Day. Now, credit where credit is due - my team won the Pull for Peace every time cuz YOU KNOW I’m gonna enlist the Big Weisel to be the anchor. Pull for Peace should have been renamed “Weezy Is Gonna Wrap This Rope Around His Waist And Sit Down. See If You Can Pull Him Across The Mid Way Point. Oh, And About 20 More Kids Will Be Pulling Too.”

“FSWIGWTRAHWASD.SIYCPHATMWP.O,AA20MKWBPT.”

A little long winded, I agree.

I’m sure every school had their own twist to Field Day. Mine happened to be The Leaky Barrel. Each team had a barrel filled with water, with holes in the side. Every team had to plug the holes with anything possible, the team with the most water at the end of a set time wins. It was filthy, if you ask me. Plugging wet holes with various body parts?

J Christ Valley Forge Elementary School, what are you teaching kids to do?

Anyway,

For SURE Field Day

With Leather posted this video of Josh Womack of the Long Beach...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 12:26:52 -0400

With Leather posted this video of Josh Womack of the Long Beach Armada.

It might be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.

Yea, I don’t get out much.

FS Spinning Bat Swing

Kids lose their summer break due to impenetrable bureaucratic...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:48:23 -0400

Kids lose their summer break due to impenetrable bureaucratic mess

A bureaucratic boondoggle in the western San Bernardino County, California school district will cost the students their summer breaks — the schools inadvertently introduced a school-time shortfall amounting to two school days’ worth of instruction time over the entire school year. Due to a quirk of regulation, they have to keep the schools in session for an extra thirty four days or lose $7 million in funding.

I’m going to be 100% honest with you. I don’t even know what that paragraph means.

All I know, is that if I’m in the fifth grade, and I say to my mom:

“MOM! Why do I have to go to school this year until July 31st??”

and her answer is:

“Oh honey, its just an impenetrable bureacratic boondoggle”

I would fucking KILL SOMEONE.

Sorry Doris Dickinson. Sorry you fucked up some day count issue throughout the whole goddam year. But I’m 12, and its summer. Which means I need to ride my bike, go to baseball camp, and experience odd emotional and physical feelings when I see girls at the pool.

F you, Doris Dickinson. This is the worst school tragedy since Columbine.

For Sure NOT Extended School Year

~ Shout out to WeeW for the link

Well, we’ve finally reached rock bottom. When the world...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:03:47 -0400

Well, we’ve finally reached rock bottom. When the world can now consider White Castle cheesburgers the second most disgusting burger out there, we all need to reconsider.

Although I must admit, White Castle will always have a soft spot in my heart. Aside from the gangbangers throwing sodas at me and telling their friends “I’ma stab that white boy when he leaves here” loud enough so that I could hear them, I thoroughly enjoyed a late drunk Crave ~~Case~~ Crate from Fordham Road.

Anyway, back to the cheeseburger in a can.

FSNCiaC

Belgium - A teenage girl is suing a tattoo artist for £10,000...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 09:38:00 -0400

Belgium - A teenage girl is suing a tattoo artist for £10,000 after she allegedly asked him for three stars on her face - but ended up with 56.

Eighteen-year-old Kimberley Vlaminck paid £55 for ‘the graffiti that has ruined my life’ in her Belgian home town of Courtrai.

Now, I know what you think I’m gonna say. You think I’m gonna call this dumpster chick a liar and a fool. You think I’m going to tell her when you get a tattoo, you abide by the “Retard Beware” code, and just cuz your father and boyfriend FLIP THE FUCK OUT CUZ YOU LOOK LIKE A CARNIE doesn’t mean its the tattoo artists fault. You think I’m gonna say that is is UNBELIVABLY RIDICULOUS to ask for a tattoo on your face when experiencing a language barrier with the tattoo artist, and no matter whether he misunderstood your French and English, the whole fucking world speaks “fingers” and she should have just held up three fucking fingers.

You think I’m gonna say when you allow a man like THIS

to do something to your face, then all bets are off.

But no. I’m with the girl on this one. Everyone knows the absolute maximum amount of stars allowed on your face without becoming a freak is 55. Anything more, and you belong on Ripley’s Believe It or Not. I don’t care if she asked for a hundred and 56 and then fell asleep. Any self respecting tattoo artist knows a human face can’t handle more than 55 stars.

What’s important to realize in this story, is that everyone in the world is a fucking asshole. Everyone. We live in a world where people mutilate their faces and then want $8,500 to mutilate their face again with a laser.

And, its important to note that Daddy Issues apparently don’t discriminate between men and women, young and old - Because both the chick and the tattoo artist needed a couple more hugs and a couple more ass kickings in their childhood to stop them from becoming such fucking skells.

56 Star Girl and Skell Tattoo Man?

F FUCKING S KY

~ Shout out to Bello for the link

MIAMI (AP) — Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’...

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:17:15 -0400

MIAMI (AP) — Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth took full responsibility for killing a pedestrian while driving drunk in Florida and began serving a 30-day jail sentence Tuesday after he pleaded guilty to DUI manslaughter.

THIRTY DAYS.

Days. 24 hour periods. Not years. Not even MONTHS.

Now I don’t think Stallworth is some sort of cold blooded murderer. He drove after drinking too much, which is lame. But after hitting a dude crossing the middle of the road, he called the police immediately, took full responsibility, and did everything he was supposed to throughout the unfortunate tragedy.

All that being said, the fat dude on Survivor did FOUR YEARS for tax evasion on his game show winnings.

So Donte Stallworth ends a life, and goes to jail for like 4 weeks. Richard Hatch evades taxes on a $1M prize and gets 51 Months. Sounds about right.

FSN.

But, I’m sure Donte Stallworth paid the FUCK out of the victim’s family, so in that case good for him.

Snake It Til You Make It

FSSITYMI

~ Shout out to the Garbageman

Every Week on Entourage “Iran invaded Israel causing the...

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:08:00 -0400

Every Week on Entourage

“Iran invaded Israel causing the U.S. to lose it lone true foothold in the Middle East rendering Hollywood insignificant…Vince ain’t doing the movie”

For Sure NOT Entourage

~ Shout out to the Garbageman for the link

Joe Buck Live “Overtime” As far as Awkward goes, on...

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 11:08:00 -0400

Joe Buck Live “Overtime”

As far as Awkward goes, on a scale of 1-10, this registers a 37.

Paul Rudd did his best, but there was no hope.

And Michael Irvin said it best “it’s refreshing to see white on white crime”

For Sure Awkward

F HBO and their copywright bullshit. FSNHBO.

Long Island Wants to Secede From the State of New York Couple...

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 10:41:29 -0400

Long Island Wants to Secede From the State of New York

Couple Hilights from the three Goombas they interview:

3:23 - Q: What state Long Island beat up?

A: I say Ireland.

Q: I don’t think that counts

A: Oh, states. I feel like a retard now. Um, Staten Island.

Q: Other STATES

A: Canada? Europe right?

4:37 - While flexing both arms with guns tatooed to each bicep “POW! POW! POW!”

For Sure NOT Long Island

~ Shout out to P Mac for the video

What do a former district attorney, a quadriplegic on a...

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 10:23:00 -0400

What do a former district attorney, a quadriplegic on a respirator with use of only one finger, and the leader of a high-class prostitution ring that allegedly transported women across state lines for illicit trysts with dozens of well-off Minnesota family men, have in common?

They are, according to police, all the same man

From his home computer, John St. Marie, 65, and wheelchair bound since contracting polio as a boy, allegedly organized a prostitution ring, which police say, catered to over 30 Minneapolis men. St. Marie is alleged to have arranged travel for out-of-state call girls, some of whom may have been in the U.S. illegally, and oversaw an online community in which the men could “brag about their exploits” and share information about prostitutes to whom they had paid hundreds of dollars, police said.

Now this is what I call perserverance!

Do you think that when little John St. Marie contracted polio as a boy, he listened to all the naysayers? Do you think he let it get him down when little boys on the playground said “you’ll never be a district attorney/high class prostitution mastermind POLIO BOY!”?

Did he let it ruin his dreams when they yelled “You don’t have any use of your ARMS OR LEGS, POLIO BOY! How can you expect your Pimp Hand to be strong enough when you can even smack your hoes!”

FOR

SURE

NOT.

John St. Marie embodies the American Spirit. The very essence of determination and persistence that all your favorite movies are made of. John St. Marie is like the Rocky of District Attorney Pimps.

When everyone else said he couldn’t, John St. Marie used his Stephen Hawking voice box thing by moving his one remaining deformed finger to say “YES. I. CAN.”

For SURE Quadriplegic District Attorney Prostitution Mastermind

FSQDAPM

~ Shout out to C Mac for the link

Let me start by saying that Joe Buck Live was absolutely awful. ...

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 09:58:00 -0400

Let me start by saying that Joe Buck Live was absolutely awful. It was like a horrendous cross of Real Sports, Jay Leno, and The Daily Show.

It was only supposed to be a 4-time-a-year show, and it had a 1% chance of ever making it all 4 episdoes.

Then they decided on their first episode it would be best to allow fat drunk Artie Lang to be a guest on live television.

Once he said that Joe Buck’s favorite website was “suckingcock.com,” I’m pretty sure we can rest assured that Joe Buck Live officially had a 0% chance of lasting.

it was a fucking TRAINWRECK. Joe Buck tried to keep his composure as Artie Lang destroyed his television talk show debut. He RAMBLED incoherently about Joe Buck’s dad, yapped about hating gays and Tony “Homo” and, said he would pull a hamstring masturbating after the show.

Buck signed off his show “Thanks to all my guests, even the one who ruined my show on the very first shot.”

Ordinarily I’d say that its a good thing because more people will now be talking about Joe Buck Live than if things had gone smoothly. But the reality of the matter is even if they do get publicity from Artie Lang, the show sucked so bad when things did go smooth that its fucked either way.

For Sure NOT Invite Artie Lang On To Live Television

F HBO and their copywright bullshit. FSNHBO

Craigslist – Washington D.C. My son is turning 16 and really...

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 19:57:37 -0400

Craigslist – Washington D.C.

My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.

Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

Lil Wayne Wanted…ironically not by the po-lice.

But, of course. Let me just dig up my videos of my Lil Wayne performances.

For Sure 67 Year Old Jewish Lil Wayne Impersonator

G Chat Registry in the Sky Its not always about booze and broads...

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 15:51:15 -0400

G Chat Registry in the Sky

Its not always about booze and broads and other smut here at FSN.

Once in a while there is a wholesome punchline.

For Sure Intentionally Walk The Elephant

If there’s one thing I love, it’s Prom in the...

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 14:45:00 -0400

If there’s one thing I love, it’s Prom in the Hood

If there’s one thing I love more, its a Ghetto Bridezilla:

I’ma have my cake, and eat it too. Ma’fucka.

For Sure Life Size Replica Cake

~ Shout out to Linzeo for the pic

Little guessing game over here at FSN:

Who weighs more, the Bride or the Cake?

Like how many jelly beans are in the jar, except with fat chicks and replica cake

ZEPHYR COVE, Nev. - A 53-year-old man was arrested on suspicion...

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 12:05:38 -0400

ZEPHYR COVE, Nev. - A 53-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of being naked near a high school on Lake Tahoe’s east shore.

The naked man was arrested Monday after three Whittell High School students reported spotting him tied to a rock and lying face down behind the school. When the students asked if he needed to be untied, the man answered no.

Douglas County sheriff’s deputies said the man told them he was watching some buzzards flying overhead at the time.

Nothin to see here, folks. Keep it movin. Just a naked middle aged man bound to a rock watching the buzzards. No big deal.

For Sure NOT Buzzard Watching Naked Near Schools

Dear Megan, I don’t care about your thumbs. Please lift...

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:23:43 -0400

Dear Megan,

I don’t care about your thumbs.

Please lift the restraining order.

Sincerely,

FSN

FS Red Dress